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Funny Quotes

"I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'"

"People of humor are always in some degree people of genius."

"It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes."

Eric San

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"The most exciting phrase to hear in science the one that heralds new discoveries is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'"

"By the way, I have great respect for China. I have many Chinese friends. They live in my buildings all over the place."

"All I have is the stubbornness of a mule; no, that's quite all, I also have a nose."

"It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us 'Get up. What's wrong with you?'"

"Never put a sock in a toaster."

"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."

"I guess when you turn off the main road you have to be prepared to see some funny houses."

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

"I think it's always funny when you see kids do Shakespeare."

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

"Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources which must be preserved at all cost."

"I'm good at coming up with wacky characters and funny dialogue."

"I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out."

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

Jay Leno

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"The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny but you're convinced that other people will think it is well they won't."

Mo Rocca

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"There's a darkness under 'The Hangover' because ultimately there's a missing person and it's not really that funny. There's a sort of darkness under it that I love and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in 'Old School.'"

"Laughter and the broader category of humor are key elements in helping us go on with our life after a loss."

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"Fashions have done more harm than revolutions."

"Some people can do things and get away with it. Comics are famously like that. Why is it that some guys can say the most horrible things and it's not offensive it's funny?"

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often."

"There's a great power in words if you don't hitch too many of them together."

"Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense"

"Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because you see humor is truth."

"All right everyone line up alphabetically according to your height."

"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do."

"The secret to humor is surprise."

"I don't think 'Gee I'd like to dress this person.' There was a picture in Us magazine. It was a jersey dress and Courtney Love was wearing it. I have this thing about Courtney Love this funny worship."

"I'll do humor about myself I'll poke fun and everything but that's me and I can do it to me. I think it's cruel to do it to somebody else."

"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"

Bob Hope

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"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."

"When it comes to war we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny."

Mo Rocca

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"The funny thing about me that most people never really understand is that at heart I'm really a jock."

"I think when you do comedy you play by a different set of rules. No one really wants you to be in that good shape. Being in good shape implies a level of vanity that isn't necessarily funny."

"The combination of landing the biggest interview of my career and having a drill in my back reminds me that God only gives us what we can handle and that it helps to have a good sense of humor when we run smack into the absurdity of life."

"You know how old I am? I'm so old I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am."

"You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody."

"I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny but the more hurtin' the music was the better it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin' the blues myself but I'm writing them for other people who have a hard life."

"It's your outlook on life that counts. If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously pretty soon you can find the humor in our everyday lives. And sometimes it can be a lifesaver."

"So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit."

"I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier."

"I don't dismiss the music that I was involved with I don't think it was a joke I don't think it was funny or a phase I don't think it was just something I was doing back then to me it was who I am. It connects all the way through. I don't distance myself from any of it."

"My stories are very somber so I think I need the comic ingredient. Besides life has so much humor."

"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."

"As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job that was the job I wanted."

"If I ever have sex with someone I might be able to develop a sense of humor."

"I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!"

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."

"If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life choose a sense of humor."

"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldnt lose any voters, OK? Its, like, incredible."

"I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room."

"I actually feel like for a lot of my career I wasn't able to show my comedic range. I did a lot of dramas and dramedies. I was on 'E.R.' That's not generally thought of as a funny show."

"I like to be surrounded by splendid things."

"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."

"Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave."

"The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water but that's about it."

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire water gravel and vinyl."

"When we can find some humor in our upsets they no longer seem as large or as important as they once did."

"I don't hate humanity and I'm not interested in people who do. Although it's funny actually some of my favorite writers really do. Like Martin Amis. My dirty secret. 'London Fields' is one of my favorite books ever. And it's indefensible! But he's so funny... I forgive him everything."

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender but you don't have a top for it."

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

"Any attempts at humor immediately after September 11th were deemed tasteless."

"It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor."

"It's funny but we were living on this small island off the coast of Charleston South Carolina when I was 9."

"Humor can help you cope with the unbearable so that you can stay on the bright side of things until the bright side actually comes along."

"I have an older sister named Haley and she wanted to be an actress. So I wanted to be an actress. It's really funny the way that some people don't give kids enough credit for like really being driven and really wanting to do things so badly."

"It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai it's what you learn about yourself really. It's a funny old hippie thing but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance and about your inclusiveness."

"I actually find novels that are determined to be funny at every turn quite oppressive."

"One of my pet peeves is that sometimes the talents of my band get overlooked because and it was the same problem that Frank Zappa had with a lot of groups that use humor people don't realize there's a lot of craft behind the comedy."

"I really wouldn't want to live in America. I found New York claustrophobic and dirty. I missed England when I was there simple things like smells and the British sense of humor."

"Even people that I agree with can do something that would be a target for a bit of humor."

"It's funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I'm not that. I don't want to be that."

"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."

"A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic so that came naturally to me."

"Probably it is impossible for humor to be ever a revolutionary weapon. Candide can do little more than generate irony."

"I think hip-hop does a very good job of infusing comedy and humor and wit into music a lot more than other genres."

"I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me."

"I don't have a very quick sense of humor."

"I got the wake-up call that no one is policing our oceans. I wondered how can I do anything? What really can I do to make things better? There are some perks to being a celebrity. My job is to be funny once in a while but it's my responsibility to make good use of it."

"When I was doing ensemble theater and comedy work I felt I had some talents. But when I started doing my shows in Berkeley and found that I could be funny on my own I was shocked."

"He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person it's not a good place for you to be."

"Progress was all right. Only it went on too long."

"I mean I'm married first of all to one of if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything - funny attractive hard-working she has integrity she loves me to bits."

Seal

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"Flattery is like cologne water to be smelt not swallowed."

"I think people are sexy when they have a sense of humor when they are smart when they have some sense of style when they are kind when they express their own opinions when they are creative when they have character."

"That is the saving grace of humor if you fail no one is laughing at you."

"It's good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you."

"Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny but chaos in the midst of order is."

"I never worry about people not taking my work seriously as a result of the humor. In the end the comic's best trick is the illusion that comedy is effortless. That people imagine what he's doing is easy is an occupational hazard."

"People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, 'red meat will kill you'? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!"

"I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned."

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."

"Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them."

"What other people call dark and despairing I call funny."

"Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs."

"I think serial monogamy says it all."

"It's so funny because right now I'm very tired and my brains a little dead I tend to get very focused and serious. So I'm probably coming off a lot more like Scully right now."